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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.06.21 08:21l 243 Lines 6469 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say
Whether the weather be hot or whether the weather be not we'll weather
the weather whatever the weather whether we like it or not
-------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P")
and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
7/
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
---
*_THE PRICE OF GAS IN FRANCE._*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from
the Louvre.
After very careful planning, he got through security,
stole some paintings and made it with them, safely to
his van.
However, he was captured by the police only two bocks
away, when his van ran out of gas.
When asked, how he could mastermind such a crime and
make such an obvious error;
he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings"!!!
"I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh"!!!
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else!!!
I sent it to you because I had nothing to Toulouse!!!
---
"Verily and forsooth" replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
crabgrass and fungus and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made
with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
soggy potato chips."
"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
"Beats me" said Goodgulf with a shrug "but I thought it made good copy."
-- Harvard Lampoon"Bored of the Rings"
---
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
Suspicious Delivery
-------------------
There was an unexpected knock on my door and like I always do I first
opened the peep hole and asked "Who's there?"
"Parcel post ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said still not convinced.
"Lady" he replied wearily"if I wanted to break into your house I'd
probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the
door.
A Bachelor Defined
-------------------
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who can go fishing anytime until he gets hooked.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip
on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond ring he turns "Stone" Deaf.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
Funeral Weather
---------------
As with many funerals it was a cloudy rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life
to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than
terminated there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a
distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well she's there."
Poverty
-------
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternising with
the enemy."
Banks And Credit Cards
----------------------
Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening customer service being
what it is today.....
A lady died this past January and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to ANZ:
Family Member:
"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member:
"maybe you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ:
"Since it is two months past due it already has been."
Family Member:
"so what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ:
"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau maybe both!"
Family Member:
"Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ:
"Excuse me?"
Family Member:
"Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being
dead?"
ANZ:
"sir you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
"I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
ANZ:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member:
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member:
"No I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ:
"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure."
(fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ:
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do
to help."
Family Member:
"well if you figure it out great! If not you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ:
"well the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member:
"Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ:
"That might help."
Family Member:
"Rookwood Memorial Cemetery 1249 Centenary Rd Sydney
Plot Number 69."
ANZ:
"sir that's a cemetery!"
Family Member:
"What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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