| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.06.21 08:17l 177 Lines 4656 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21568_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 19/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 210619/0611Z 21568@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If life gives you lemons make lemonade
-----
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
5/
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
---
"If once a man indulges himself in murder very soon he comes to think
little
of robbing and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking
and from that to incivility and procrastination."
-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
---
Fog Lamps n.:
Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
fronts of automobiles used on dry clear nights to indicate that the driver's
brain is in a fog.
---
Work Schedules
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a
huge fish jumps out
and bites him.
To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the
fish by feeding to
the lions as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions he says to himself because
lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the
South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade
and smashes the bees
to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage
because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the
other lion and says 'What's
the food like here?'
Wait for it!!....
The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant - today we had Fish and Chimps
with Mushy Bees'
Songs
-----
Some of our old favourites have now been re-released. The following songs
are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "OnceTwiceThree Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
Clemency
--------
Mrs. Johnson went to the Mayor's office to plead clemency for her
husband Fred who was
serving time in jail. The Mayor received her graciously.
"Now Mrs. Johnson how long will Fred be in jail?" asked the Mayor.
Mrs. Johnson replied "Thirty days."
"And what's the charge?"
"No charge" Mrs. Johnson answered "Everything's free!"
The Mayor said "No no no I mean why did he get sent to jail?"
"oh he stole a loaf of bread."
"well is he a decent father to Fred Jr.?"
"He's the worst. He drink she gambles my paycheck away and he uses his
fists."
"He uses his fists a lot?"
"Yes. Fred was fourteen before he realised he had fingers!"
The Mayor was confused. "Why do you want him back?"
Mrs. Johnson replied "Well...We're out of bread again!"
Fired Employees
---------------
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the Chronically Absent:
"A man like him is hard to find"
"It seemed her career was just taking off"
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here"
"We generally found him loaded with work to do"
For an employee with no ambition
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in"
A stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him"
A dishonest employee:
"His true ability was deceiving"
"She's an unbelievable worker"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
