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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.06.21 10:41l 216 Lines 8310 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21527_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 18/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0PM<OE5XBL<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<
PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210618/0827Z 21527@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Apples watered by St Swithin's tears are the most luscious
----
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
4/
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
---
New 2020 GOLF TERMINOLOGY:
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Philip Schofield - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
A Rodney King - overclubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An Elephant's arse - high and messy
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Sister-in-law – youâ€Öre up there but you know you shouldn't be
Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from this advice.
----
An inflatable student goes to his inflatable school and is having a really
bad day.
Bored in history lesson he gets up and walks out.
Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking
towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.
He runs out of the school.
As he gets outside he thinks again"I hate school" and pulls his knife
out and stabs the inflatable school.
He runs off to his inflatable home.
Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom
door with the inflatable police.
Panicking inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.
Later in that evening he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and see the
inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him.
Shaking his deflated head the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me
down you've let the school down but worst of all you've let yourself
down.
Admiral
-------
At one point in time during his career Admiral Hyman Rickover the father
of the Nuclear Navy was commander of a carrier task force and had his
flag on the carrier. For exercise Adm. Rickover walked a lap around the
flight deck every day. It became custom for the sailors to approach the
Admiral during his walks and gripe complain etc.and the Admiral would
take care of the problems brought forth by the crew. It was a great morale
booster.
The day came when Admiral Rickover was reassigned to Washington and a
helicopter carried him off. The crew was so despondent at his departure
that the helmsman wasn't paying attention to his job and the carrier hit a
sandbar.
Yes they grounded the warship he walked on.
The Doctor Visit
----------------
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him leaves the room and comes back with three
different bottles of pills.
The doctor says"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you
get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers"My goodness doc
exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says"You're not drinking enough water."
The City Doctor
---------------
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside.
He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there.
After a few house calls he stopped coming to the farm.
The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what's the matter didn't
he like him or something.
The doctor said "No its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I
enter the farm they call me a quack!"
Entertaining 'Facts'
--------------------
The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh
Scotland and featured the McHaggis sandwich.
The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop who left
his "signature" on the keyboard.
The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour
period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane
concrete freeway.
Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROMs microfiche and the
Internet libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the
weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high
winds.
In 1843 a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and
consequently died of starvation. [This one I kind of believe.]
Until 1978 Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.
University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice
of nose picking claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal
Passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social
Connotations.
If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours it will go blind and
leave behind its weight in honey. [Seems like somebody forgot about the
Conservation of Matter law.]
Although difficult it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing
together two Cool Ranch Doritos.
Mission Improbable
------------------
Good morning Mr. Whelps. As you know environmental concerns have
become very important issues in our society today. Phrases such as
'global warming' and 'carbon footprint' have become almost ubiquitous
in our language today. Your assignment should you decide to accept
it is to study the information provided here and determine which is
the environmentalist. As always if you or any of your Mission
Improbable team is killed or captured the secretary will disavow any
knowledge of your actions. This memo will self-destruct in 10 seconds
in a manner that is friendly to the environment.
Assignment: Which home belongs to an environmentalist?
LOOK OVER THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING TWO HOUSES
AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHICH BELONGS TO AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.
HOUSE # 1: A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by
natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate
guesthouse all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion
consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE
YEAR. The average bill for heating and cooling runs over $2400.00
per month in natural gas alone (which last time we checked was a
fossil fuel)this property consumes more than 20 times the national
average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or
midwestern "snow belt" either. It's in the South.
HOUSE # 2: Designed by an architecture professor at a leading
national university this house incorporates every "green" feature
current home construction can provide. The house contains 4000
square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on an arid high prairie in the
American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal
heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the
ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) Heats the house in winter
and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil
or natural gas and it consumes 25=he electricity required for a
conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is
collected and funnelled into a 25000 gallon underground cistern.
Wastewater from showers sinks and toilets goes into underground
purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then
irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native
to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.
HOUSE # 1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville
Tennessee.
It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist (and current film
maker) Al Gore.
HOUSE # 2 (model Eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford Texas.
Also known
as "The Texas White House" it is the private house of the President of
the USA (three years ago).
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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