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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.06.21 08:14l 450 Lines 15010 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21473_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 17/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<GB7COW<GB7YEW
Sent: 210617/0600Z 21473@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
s Grandmother used to say
Chimney smoke descends our nice weather ends
----------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
3/
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
--
During his Coronavirus physical, the doctor asked the patient "J-" about his daily activity
level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the
edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from
wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from
an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down
several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison
ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four
leaks behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You
must be one hell of an outdoors-man!" NAH, he
replied, I'm just a lousy golfer.
---
"At a recent meeting in Snowmass Coloradoa participant from Los Angeles
fainted from hyper oxygenation and we had to hold his head under the exhaust
of a bus until he revived."
------
Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.
My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often.
At least that's what it says in her diary.
As my wife and I headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what
kinky things we'd like to do with each other.
She said"I've always wanted to be handcuffed"So I planted a kilo of "coke"
in her suitcase.
Wife to husband"Let's go out and have some fun tonight!
Husband:- "O.K.but if you get home before I do leave the hall light on".
Son:- "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been
married 25 years.
Dad: -"Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part"!!!.
The wife accidentally hit our cat with her car.
The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.
My mate is thinking about asking his ex-wife to Re-Marry him...
But he's worried that she will think he is just after her for His Money!!!.
Two guys were in a health club one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear women's pants"?
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment of my car"!!!
My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable
pointless
life where suicide seems the only way out.
While he's going through all that I'll be in the pub' with my mates
every night.
My wife left a note on the fridge" It's not working. I can't take it any
more: I'm
going to my mum's house"!
"I opened the fridge the light came on the beer was cold. What is she
talking about?"
My wife said that I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side so
I crashed the car burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
In Pocataligo Georgia it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and
attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
You are dishonest but never to the point of hurting a friend.
Quotes
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land when they can see
nothing but sea.
-- Francis Bacon
.
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
-- Otto von Bismarck
We Germans owe Britain a great debt â€ö and should let you leave Europe
with the concessions
you need and your heads held high
ALEX VON SCHOENBURG Editor At Large Of Bild
-----
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in Mars bar
He asked her name. 'Polo I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her snickers which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in
Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
-----
British & Commonwealth Forces Like Page
27 January at 22:36 ·
As March 29 looms ever closer here in Germany rabid anti-British
sentiment is part of the daily discourse.
The chattering classes â€ö politicians and pundits alike â€ö are urging our
Chancellor Angela
Merkel to harden her line towards the United Kingdom after suggestions
that she was prepared
to throw Theresa May a lifeline. Indeed last week Annegret
Kramp-Karrenbauer Merkelâ€Ös
successor-in-waiting led calls for Britain to scrap Brexit completely.
Germans are far from alone in this attitude. In the wake of the
momentous Commons defeat for
your Prime Ministerâ€Ös Brexit strategy the European Commission twisted
the thumbscrews still further.
Michel Barnier the EUâ€Ös chief Brexit negotiator suggested it was time
for the UK to abandon its
‘red linesâ€Ö over ending freedom of movement and the jurisdiction of the
European Court of Justice.
Yet these issues have been unshakable stipulations for the British since
the beginning of talks.
To casually propose dumping them in this way was insulting to your
country.
The French president Emmanuel Macron was regrettably similarly
dismissive when he said that
Brexit was a British problem and one it would have to solve on its own.
Such blinkered and sour responses are in my view wrong-headed. They
ignore the great debt
that Germany and the whole Continent owes our friends across the Channel.
However much we in Europe regret your decision to leave our Community we
must always
remember that throughout your history independence and sovereignty have
been paramount.
Germany in particular should tread lightly when it comes to dealing with
your proud nation.
It was Great Britain that first stood up to Hitler in 1939. And it was
Britain that opened its doors
to the thousands of Jewish refugees fleeing certain death during the
Holocaust.
Put simply there would be no free Europe without you and the bloody
sacrifice you made to
rescue the Continent. This plain fact has not always been a popular one
of course. The truth is
that there has been a long tradition of policies aimed at excluding the
British Isles from
Europe most notably those of French president Charles De Gaulle.
After the war inspired by dreams of the medieval empire that stretched
across the Continent
under Charlemagne De Gaulle poured his energy into setting up the
European Economic
Community â€ö the forerunner of the EU.
But when Britain inquired about membership in the early Sixties his
answer was an emphatic ‘Non!â€Ö
Thanks to De Gaulleâ€Ös opposition it took more than a decade for the UK
to be accepted. And the
driving force for unity for welcoming British membership with open arms
was the German chancellor
of the Sixties Konrad Adenauer.
For that ultimately we can thank the Queen.
As has happened so often during more than six decades on the throne
Elizabeth IIâ€Ös diplomatic skills
and remarkable personality swung the course of world politics.
In 1965 she and Prince Philip made a whirlwind tour through Germany
captivating my country. There
were endless days of balls and sightseeing and a boat trip on the Rhine.
Adenauer was swept off his feet. Though he was like De Gaulle a staunch
Catholic who had initially
shared the Frenchmanâ€Ös grand vision he quickly came to realise that
Europe needed Britain precisely
because we are all so different.
Europe has never been a bland homogeneous entity â€ö a United States of
Euroland. On the contrary
it is a thrilling patchwork made up of vibrantly different nations with
all kinds of funny quirks.
We needed Britain 80 years ago and we need you now.
And because we should honour the result of your referendum we must be
happy to take you on your
own terms. If that means a form of semi-membership with full sovereignty
so be it.
There has been much talk of the problem of the Irish ‘backstopâ€Ö â€ö but
for Europe Britain is the real
backstop. Without you power in Europe will tend to gravitate ever more
to the centre which will
ultimately risk implosion.
European politics today seems to be full of De Gaulles shaking their
fists at Britain as you try to leave
the EU.
What is needed is another statesman such as Adenauer â€ö a man or woman to
stand up to the
bureaucratic machine of Brussels who will take on the Barniers the
Junckers and the Tusks. We need
someone who can remind us of our bounden duty and enable the UK to leave
without punishing it.
A real statesman would rekindle Adenauerâ€Ös historic vision of the EU as
a federation of states and
not some kind of bloated super-state â€ö a confederation that does not
neglect the historic
peculiarities of its members.
None of this is impossible.
Even the staunchest Brexiteers such as Boris Johnson realise the value
of keeping one foot in the
strong economic zone that the Continent represents.
If only European leaders would take a step back and acquiesce to London
on this smallest of adjustments
over the Irish back stop it would take the wind out of the hard line
Brexiteersâ€Ö sails and enable a stable
cross-Channel relationship for the future.
In many ways the problem is one of historical ignorance.
What we Germans and especially EU bureaucrats donâ€Öt appreciate is the
delicate political situation
in Northern Ireland and the sensitivities involved on both sides. We
know little of the tragic legacy
of ‘The Troublesâ€Ö the deaths of so many including British soldiers and
the hard won peace after 30
years.
More people in the British Isles were killed by the IRA than by Isis and
Al-Qaeda combined. That
statistic ought to make all of us in Europe rethink our position on the
question of the Irish backstop.
We have to be more flexible more forgiving.
Instead of torturing the worldâ€Ös oldest democracy with unacceptable
demands our Chancellor Frau
Merkel and the European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker should
unite in calling for new
talks renegotiating face to face if need be.
Theresa May has been gravely weakened but it is unconscionable for
European leaders to use this
as a stick to beat her with.
They should remember the great German strategist Otto von Bismarck who
in the 19th century insisted
that one should always win but never humiliate oneâ€Ös opponents. The best
victory is the
magnanimous one.
Another adage worth recalling now is that of the German philosopher
Theodor Adorno who remarked
that while the British epitomise style the Germans represent substance.
Style and substance ... thereâ€Ös
much truth in that metaphor.
Seen from that perspective itâ€Ös imperative that Brexit is achieved with
a degree of aplomb and decorum.
At this crucial moment Europe must concede enough to let the UK leave
with head held high â€ö and
do it in style.
If instead our leaders continue to treat the British people with
contempt we will wreck those great ties
between our countries that have been painstakingly created over many
generations.
Our societies have always thrived on mutual respect and admiration. We
are brothers and sisters ... and
this family squabble has gone too far.
It is time for Chancellor Merkel to show other European leaders the way
and for them all to start treating
your country as it deserves â€ö with our respect and gratitude.
-----
God's Plan for Ageing?
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that
seniors become forgetful so they
would have to search for their glasses keys and other things thus doing
more walking. And God looked
down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose
coordination so they would
drop things requiring them to bend reach & stretch. And God looked down
and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would
have additional calls of nature
requiring more trips to the bathroom thus providing more exercise. God
looked down and saw that it was
good.
So if you find as you age you are getting up and down more remember
itâ€Ös Godâ€Ös will. It is all in your
best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky and they can't tell
them apart. If you see a gleam in his
eyes make him a sandwich
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks months maybe years unless you give them your email
address.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism In the 60's people took
LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal. Life is like
a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue
tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.
-------
Aphorism
is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty
manner .
I read that 4153237 people got married last
year. Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colours red white and
blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini women reveal 90=heir
body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you
ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who
will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street
to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when
you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with
vengeance. We'll see about that!
I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been
Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive try missing a couple of
payments.
I always wondered what the job application is
like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say "Here fill this out?"
The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like
a mental patient.
Now donâ€Öt you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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