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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.06.21 08:02l 278 Lines 8778 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21415_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 16/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<OE5XBL<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<
PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210616/0550Z 21415@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor
-----------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
2/
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----
Notable Quotes
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Anon
---
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be
the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.
-- The Anarchist Cookbook
--
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is
a match.
-- Will Rogers
----------
One afternoon at Cheers Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
" Well ya see Norm it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted it is the slowest and
weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for
the herd as a
whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the
human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol
as we know kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain
cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel
smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
-------------
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one
blonde
says to the other "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the
moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooocan you see Florida ?????"
--------
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and
is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this
to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says" license and registration please."
London Lawyer says"What for?"
Glasgow cop says"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says"I slowed down and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and
registration please."
London Lawyer says"What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says"The difference is ye huv te to come to complete stop
that's the law license and registration please!"
London Lawyer says"If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket. If not you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the
lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop or just slow doon?"
----------
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells . . 'My wife's going to have
her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff rushed out to the taxi lifted the lady's dress and
began to take
off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that
there were
several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly
deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths'. I instructed.
'Yes they used to be'. . . Replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the
family that he
had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment He told me that he was
having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes the
man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient I asked 'How long
have you
been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why not for about
twenty years
- when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man
I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste.'. . Bob
replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a
punk rocker Mohawk sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange
clothing entered
. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis
so she was scheduled
for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table the staff
noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read .
.'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing
which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty KGH London
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
-------------
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler
approached and
coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not
too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance
or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few
months ago the
Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
"I remember the occasion very well my Lord. It gave the staff and myself
much pleasure to
look after them."
"Also"continued the Earl of Grantham" do you remember Will plucked a
rose for Kate in the
rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion my Lord ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied"I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess
herself remove the
thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore Kate had to cut up his
venison from our
own estate even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship Kate
enquired of Will
with a loud voice" "Darling does your prick still throb?
And you Carson did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!"
---------
Innuendo
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbour. He
had the most beautiful
garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red ?"
The man responded"Well twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden
naked in my trench
coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden
to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her
garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman"By the way how
did you make
out did your tomatoes turn red ?
"No"she replied"but my cucumbers are enormous."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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