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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.06.21 08:32l 654 Lines 11821 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20852_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 14/6
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Sent: 210614/0617Z 20852@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Mist in May and heat in June will bring all things into tune
-------------
A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favour
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
-------
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be
good because the programmers hate it so much.
--
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert
to the next higher units.
---
God is Dead -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead -- God
Nietzsche is God -- The Dead
-------
As I hurtled through space one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this
rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the
Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. God dammit I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist and neither would take
out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife it's either a new car or a new
wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just
as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
for I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the
furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
man wearing
a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
******
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley*
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it!
---------
Fire
----
Three men are sharing a hotel room - a fireman a physicist and a
mathematician. In the middle of the night the fireman gets up to go to
the bathroom down the hall and discovers that there is a fire in a
trash can in the hallway. Immediately he runs back to his room grabs the
Ice bucket and throws the water all over the fire. This not only puts out
The fire but leaves the rug soaking wet. Nonetheless the fire is out
and the fireman
goes to the bathroom and then back to bed.
A few hours later the physicist wakes up to go to the bathroom. As he
leaves He
discovers that there is a fire in the same trash can. Horrified he
springs into action grabbing a slide rule a measuring cup and a bottle
of water. He rapidly measures the size of the fire and the burn rate of
the trash can's contents measures out a precise amount of water and throws
this water on the fire. The fire dies with an angry *HISS*and there is
not one drop of water left in the bucket. There is however a bit of
water on the floor. Satisfied with a job well done the physicist proceeds
to the bathroom and then goes to bed.
Just a few short hours later the mathematician awakens to the smell of
smoke. He quickly opens the door and sees that the trash can down at the
end of the hall (same one again!) is full of flames! He grabs a
spectrograph. a glass of water and a pocket calculator takes careful
measurements of the fire calculates oxygen consumption rate burn speed
and relative
rate of rise of the flame. He jumbles all of these numbers together
looks at his glass
of water and says"Yup! I could put that fire out!"
...and goes back to bed.
Ageing
------
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job so I was more
than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement.
"How has life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words he replied "Well I get up in the morning with nothing
to do and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
Finances
--------
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books
reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was
explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out which is useful
for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why
the oil industry for example reported huge profits during the 1970's when
the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil so they had to use oil
that on paper had been purchased in the 1930's at 20ยข a barrel. They of
course sold it at current market prices which accounted for their huge
profits.
One of the students put up his hand and said" Excuse me sir but that
doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied "You're in the wrong class son this is
Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
------------
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind St Peter.
He asked 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered' Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh'said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's' replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible'said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded' That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's the Prime Minister's clock?' asked the man.
Her clock is in Jesus's office.
*He's using it as a ceiling fan.'*
-------------
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling
hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get
to know your grandchildren.
Love Your Son John
PS. Dad none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the report card that's in my centre desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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