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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.06.21 08:00l 288 Lines 7321 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20794_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 13/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210613/0550Z 20794@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If fleecy white clouds cover the heavenly way, no rain should mar your
plans that day
--------
*An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a
young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long
life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on
her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and
lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30
grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the
crematorium used to be.*
--
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
spaz.
~~~~~~
A lot to take in, but worth it !
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller : Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney .
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True
or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American
TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
Innuendo
---------
The best double-entendres from British media in the past few years...
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
For warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold
Out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
Use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
Wished he had a hard on now."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing
------------
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well hung, male
stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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