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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.06.21 07:54l 331 Lines 10149 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20708_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 12/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 210612/0540Z 20708@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A sun shiny shower, won't last half an hour
-----------
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So, Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain.
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!" So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So, Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign."
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign .
NUDIST COLONY Slow down and watch for chicks!
-----
*A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi
in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were
standing under awnings. *
*"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" *
*"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work,"
she replied. *
*The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why
don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They
have sex with men for money." *
*The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that
true Mom?" *
*His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." *
*After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women
have babies, what happens to them?" *
*She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."*
----
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see
it tried on him personally.
-- A. Lincoln
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
----
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
-----------
An elderly Italian goes to confession.
"Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and
you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances
can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are
truly sorry
for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
------
An English Summer, Three Hot Days and a Thunderstorm
--------
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
Some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
Plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
---------------------
Two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night
out and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the margaritas.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They
were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they "whiz" behind a
headstone.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she' take
off her undies, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want
to ruin hers. She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath
that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon. After
finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her undies.
" "That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came home with a card stuck
to her bum that said,
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".
------------
Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint
letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt
my knob off.
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my
wife.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a
third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink..
16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning
at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
19. 50=he walls are damp, 501ave crumbling plaster and 50*re plain
filthy.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still
have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2
Sexual -
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to
reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna,
places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt
swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed
by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
-----------
Why condoms are packed 3, 6, 12 in a box ? ? ? ? ? ?
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are
these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms,
son .... Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are
there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these
for?'
'Those are for college men.' the dad answers. 'Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a
12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied 'Those are for married men. One for
January, one for
February, one for March . . . . . . . . '
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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