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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.06.21 07:49l 338 Lines 9109 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20645_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 11/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 210611/0525Z 20645@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A good tree brings forth good fruit
--------
Thanks Colin T
Every family has one weird relative. If you don't know who it is, then
it's probably you.
Did you know that ants never get sick? It's because they have little
Anti Bodies.
Instead of the sign, "Don't disturb", I need one that says, "Already
disturbed. Proceed with caution!."
---
*Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their
mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven
advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70
points or none at all. One student was hard put to think
of seven advantages. He wrote:*
*1) It is perfect formula for the child.*
*2) It provides immunity against several diseases.*
*3) It is always the right temperature.*
*4) It is inexpensive.*
*5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.*
*6) It is always available as needed.*
*And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the
end of the test he wrote:*
*7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.*
*He got an A*
===
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
object.
Langsam's Laws:
(1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything
is sometimes.
-----
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
-------
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
Students put on his boots? He was really struggling, so she began pulling
And him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, after
Several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had
Worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the
Wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
Boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
Together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
Feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't
You say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull
The ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and
Courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
----------------------------
A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of
biscuits
and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had
prepared for them.
Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told
the hired
man he might as well go ahead and eat his dinner too.
The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and
proceeded to eat.
After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you
might as well eat your supper now too."
Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and
continued to eat.
Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his
chair & began to take off his shoes.
"What are you doing?" the farmer asked.
The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."
--------------------------
An Irishman, lost on the back roads of Ireland, stops his car in a
little village and
goes into the local pub to ask for directions.
"Could ye possibly tell me which is the quickest way to Dublin?" he asks
the barman,
"Indeed I could," says the barman. "Are you walking or are yon driving ?"
"I'm driving'" he answers....
"Right", said the barman, " that's definitely the quickest way!!".
-------------
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while
he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
a gallon
of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how
to carry
his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him
she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird
Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would
walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley We'll
be there a
lot faster."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely
widow without a
husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you
won't have
your way with me?"
The farmer said, " I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two
chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint
on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
-------------
Sort of Rude !
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE
HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING
WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP
FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING
SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF
BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS
PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR,
SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW
HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM
OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS
PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS
SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK,
GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS
THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND
WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED
BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS
AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH
HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD
CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS
AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY
CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING,
TEARS IN HER EYES!
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT
HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME
DOWSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A
LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE
ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS
YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD
END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY
HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE
AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK
IN."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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