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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.06.21 07:55l 226 Lines 6484 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20521_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 8/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210608/0545Z 20521@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
----------
Thanks Colin T
I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow
him outside and he thinks that's the way it works.
We are NOT aging; we are ripening to PERFECTION.
--
*A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the
medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the
doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as
he realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control
pills. *
*"Mrs. Smith, do you realise these are birth control
pills?" *
*"Yes, they help me sleep at night." *
*"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing
in these that could possibly help you sleep!" *
*She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and
said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I
grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice
that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me
it definitely helps me sleep at night." *
*You gotta love Grandmas!*
---
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
Their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God
Works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says
"So
You're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
Should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must
be a sign
From God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
Completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
Wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the
evening
Leads."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
Opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The
Woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back
To the man The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, . Don't mess with them
-------------
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new
wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a
couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all
the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his
new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told
them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better
and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a
huge meal on the table.
The third man said that he had married a Scottish girl... He boasted that
the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything,
The second day he didn't see anything,
But by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load
the dishwasher and call a gardener.
-------------
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut
the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a
Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
------------
Minor sexual content :-
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Lake Worth, Florida. She
looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket
on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir,
how are you today?
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my
wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.
'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very
lonely' she countered. ‘Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Delray Beach,' he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy
cats?'
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her,
tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How
did you know that was what I wanted?'
The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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