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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.06.21 08:13l 279 Lines 8375 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20485_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 7/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<GB7YEW
Sent: 210607/0608Z 20485@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Melt the icy fingers of fear with the sunshine of hope
--------
Thanks Colin T
We all know mirrors don't lie. I'm just grateful they don't laugh.
You come from dust; you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust; it
could be someone I know.
---
Notable Quotes
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the
fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And
lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death
or fall of kings.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
---
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or
a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign! Only in Britain can a pizza get to your
house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make
sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only
in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET
coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of
pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the
garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled
parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION: - 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works
on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy
lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling
accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette
in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying
to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.
And finally, in 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with
fractured skulls
incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
If you're proud to be British, send this on!
---
The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night.."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing -hair
all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to
you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his
snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what
happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
-------------
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
Get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
------
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller : Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater
----------------
Sexual content
Neil Armstrong.........THIS IS GOOD
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY
MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
*"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME
RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN
EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION
ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL
ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH
LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP
THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON
THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
-------
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona
When her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
To a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride
Was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
Out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
Hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
Station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
Service-station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.''
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.
Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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