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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.06.21 07:49l 264 Lines 8000 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20438_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 6/6 Happy birthday Gill
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 210606/0544Z 20438@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If woolly fleeces spread the heavenly way, be sure no rain disturbs the
summer day
---------
Thanks Colin T-
John to Bill. "When you think about it, God has to be the best ever
inventor. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker."
Ladies! Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill
out!
----
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
---
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through
The semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
“Dad,” he says, “You won't believe what modern education is
Developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol Blue how to talk!”
“Thats amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol Blue in that
Program?”
“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I'll
Get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again
Runs out. The boy calls home.
“So hows Ol Blue doing son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, hes talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just wont
Believe this - they've had such good results they have started to
teach the Animals how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
Program?”
“Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end
Of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
Excited.
“Wheres Ol Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and
Talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
Before we left to drive home, Ol Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in
The recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around
with that Little redhead who lives down the street?”
The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to
Your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“Thats my boy!”
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As
A Congressman.
-------------
.
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
To their passengers...
1) "Ladies and gentlemen I do apologise for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home unless of course you happen to
Be married to my ex-wife in which case you'll want to cross over to
The Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
From E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
You know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
That last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
Time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham which means we probably won't reach our
Destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen we apologise for the delay but there is
A security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
The foreseeable future so let's take our minds off it and pass some
Time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles hanging on a
Wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
Told me so I could tell you earlier but no they don't think about
Things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna
ladies
and gentleman... Unfortunately towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then
stuff
yourselves in like sardines see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
Move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
Personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down Four-eyes and move your bl**dy
golf clubs
away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However if you are smoking a
Joint it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
--------
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 quid.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Sexual
========
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to
Confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the
Maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
He had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem.....
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that
Once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
Winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and
Teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of
the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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