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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.05.21 08:40l 368 Lines 6411 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 19713_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 21/5
Path: DB0FHN<DB0PM<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IK1NHL<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<
LU9DCE<GB7YEW
Sent: 210521/0623Z 19713@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If salt is sticky and gains in weight, it will rain before too late
-------
Thanks John F-
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
--
Notable Quotes
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far out
on the water, round. Usurper.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
--
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said,“Do you
think you're stupid, Larry?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
--------
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following
painful announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has
been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this
has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately,
we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and
inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else
can eat will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our
10-hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
------
The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not
understand the seriousness of most medical terminology.
The chart will help us understand.............
Artery -
The study of paintings
Bacteria -
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when patients die
Benign -
What you be, after you be eight
Cesarean Section
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
Searching for Kitty
Cauterise
Made eye contact with her
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
A small lie
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
A higher offer
Nitrates-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
I knew it
Outpatient-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Nearly killed him
Secretion
Hiding something
Seizure
Roman Emperor
Tablet
A small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
One plus one more
Urine
Opposite of you're out
------
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted
doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a
serious mistake?"
"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
--------
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands
are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket
signs!
-----------
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day..
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkeys' died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What
happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £1000
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
------------
Sexual & course
---------
My wife and I went to the Great Yarmouth agricultural show and
one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went
up to the
first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than
twice! a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same
old cow.'?
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should
eventually
make a full recovery.
-------
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a
drive in the
car for some bonding time – just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted
to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would
take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great,Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, Asian
pillock or wanker anywhere today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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