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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.05.21 10:25l 214 Lines 8437 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 19524_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 17/5
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<W0ARP<K5DAT<N7HPX<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210517/0816Z 19524@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity
----
CELEBRITY SQUARES:
In the 1960's there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares.
Basically stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants
had to guess whether their answer was correct or not.
But the real power of the show was the one-liners that the stars
answered the question with, before giving their real answer.
Some of the best responses follow.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
---
A TEENAGER sitting soon for his final school exams, had just received
his drivers license and asked his Dad if they could discuss his use of
the car.
His Dad replied that he would make a deal with his son.
If you start studying hard, get better results in your trial tests,
read the Bible every day, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about
the car. The boy agreed to his Dad's provisos and did his best. Six
weeks later, his father said: You have brought your grades up, and
I've observed you have been reading the Bible. I'm really proud of you,
Son. But I am really disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut?.
The young man paused a moment, then said, You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and noticed in my Bible studies that ... Samson
had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and
there's even a strong argument the Jesus had long hair.? To this the
father replied: Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they
went??
-------------------
An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world.
For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he
bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would
work his way up the country from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read,
"£20,000 per call!"
The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God.
The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way.
His next stop was in Northampton.
There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with
the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God.
"Thank you," said the Englishman.
He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool,Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£ 20,000 per call" sign under it.
The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish
border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone.
He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read,
"20 pence per call".
The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven,
but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered,
"Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."
--------------
Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she
would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,
since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be
just below your left breast'.
Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
-------------------
Why do we love children?
_
1) NUDITY_
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
_
2) OPINIONS_
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents.'
_
3) KETCHUP_
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'
_
4) MORE NUDITY_
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?' _
5) POLICE # 1_
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please
tie my shoe?'
_
6) POLICE # 2_
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' _
7) ELDERLY_
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'_
8) DRESS-UP_
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'_
9) DEATH_
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.'/ (I want this line used at my funeral!)/_
10) SCHOOL_
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'_
11) BIBLE_
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'
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