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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.03.21 08:43l 230 Lines 6944 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 17347_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 28/3
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Sent: 210328/0614Z 17347@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
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Thoughts -
5 It's only appropriate to say, "You've grown so big!" to children.
Adults get offended.
----
Acknowledgement "SUNDAY TIMES".
6) What do you call a celebrity with Covid-19? An influenzer.
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When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.
Vickâ€Ös Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ...... £178..13 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ......... £123.20 per gallon.
Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don't even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink
at ................. (you wonâ€Öt believe it .... but it is true .......)
£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water,
or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, worst of all Printer Ink!
Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And
If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!
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Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew DA elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a
week...
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew DA elastic on DA knickers and
thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
***************************
Verbal Tennis between Men and Women
1- A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
2- A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone … yes, why not?.
3- Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
Sleeping with?
She replies: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
4- A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
My sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied after a pause: I like your
Sense of humour.
5- Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
You having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
---------
In evidence the court heard that the plaintiff in the case had taken an action
against the proprietors of a local theatre. The background to the case was that,
in the course of a recent performance at the theatre, his mobile telephone went
off, and he was immediately requested by ushers to leave the auditorium. This
incident had caused him no little measure of embarrassment, and he felt that the
least he was entitled to was to have been re-imbursed for the price of admission.
For their part, the directors of the theatre explained that patrons had been
requested to ensure that their phones and pagers had been turned off. The play
was a very serious one, and the interruption had come at a vital part when the
whole point of the play was unfolding.
"It could be said," remarked the presiding judge, "that this was one of the
audience who got the message."
***************************
A motorist in Kreuzlingen, Switzerland is facing a driving ban, after being
caught four times by the same speed camera in the space of one minute and
37 seconds. The motorist unwittingly passed a speed trap before turning
round at the next roundabout to investigate a mysterious flash. He drove
past again, and once more was puzzled by a flash of light. It took two
more attempts - both flashed before he spotted the camera perched on
top of a traffic light.
***************************
At an evening of reminiscence about the war years held at Bournemouth, a
lady delighted the audience with a memoir about a German prisoner-of-war
who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945. She recalled: "He always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the
crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out "Heil Hitler".
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Winking problem
A man with a winking problem applied for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looked over his papers and said, "You've graduated
from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your
experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid
that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry
. . . . we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man protested, "if I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
The applicant reached into his jacket pocket and began pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,
Assorted condoms. Finally finding a packet of aspirin at the bottom.
He tore it open, swallowed the tablets, and stopped winking.
"Oh dear," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company, and we can't have our employees womanising
all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy and
asked for aspirin while winking?"
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